plus a few new ones that occur to me.
There was a time when I attempted to come up with humorous weekly sayings. Boy, weeks went by fast. Explanations have been added in blue when someone has said, "I don't get it".
![]() | I'm trying the Precambrian diet. It's mostly primordial soup. |
![]() | I'm Woke. My new name is Hallowed and my pronouns are thee, thy and thou. |
![]() | Live life while you're alive. |
![]() | "Gravity; it's the law." The Uncertainty Principle - not so sure. |
![]() | Windows 10: "If you like your program, you can keep your program." |
![]() | I was going to try the vegan diet. Turns out hunting them is a crime. |
![]() | It's not "artificial intelligence." It's "synthetic intelligence." Artificial intelligence is what I used on history exams. |
![]() | If you can do it, it IS bragging. If you can't do it, it's lying. (correction of, "hey, if you can do it, it's not bragging.") |
![]() | The earlier bird gets the Tequila. |
![]() | I'm against gay marriage...the other day I called my wife and a man answered. |
![]() | Thou shalt not worship false particles. (the "God particle") |
![]() | Colorado wildfires flush out Bigfoot, leaves big carbon footprint. |
![]() | A fool and his pyrite are soon parted. |
![]() | If you invent a better sidewalk, they won't beat a path to your door. |
![]() | ...but that goes without saying. |
![]() | A watched pot never boils. The water does, however. |
![]() | Plagiarism is the insincerest form of flattery. |
![]() | Don't learn from your mistakes; learn from your successes. The mistakes were wrong. |
![]() | Those who are willing to sacrifice safety to secure liberty usually don't have to. |
![]() | Blood is thicker than water. Paint thinner helps. |
![]() | If God wanted Man to fly, He really goofed up. |
![]() | To catch a glance, cast a doubt. (It's a fishing thing.) |
![]() | Two wrongs make little baby wrongs. |
![]() | Truth is stranger than fiction. Really boring fiction. |
![]() | Winning isn't everything. There is Pluto, for example. (Ha! Not any more!) Pluto was a randomly picked "thing" which wasn't "winning". Oh, never mind. |
![]() | 'Tis better to have loved and won. |
![]() | There is more to life than money. Fortunately, most of it is for sale. |
![]() | There is nothing to fear but fear itself, which scares me. |
![]() | A bookmobile is poetry in motion. |
![]() | Reach for the stars. Use tongs. (They're hot. Good grief.) |
![]() | Actually, fast and steady wins most races. |
![]() | The grass stains are always greener in the neighbor's laundry. |
![]() | A penny saved is, well, pathetic. |
![]() | You body is a temple...big as a barn and pointy on top. |
![]() | There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And polar bears. Fear and polar bears. And asteroids. Fear, polar bears, and asteroids. And little blue hats. Maybe not so much. |
![]() | Rich people have an afterlife by sheer strength of will. |
![]() | Two wrongs don't make a right but two rights make a 180. |
![]() | You are what you eat. I'm a cow. Moo. |
![]() | Behind every great man is a good woman. The bad ones are ahead. |
![]() | Behind every great man is a good scandal. |
![]() | Never mind horses, never look a gift-camel in the mouth! |
![]() | I've discovered how to eat all the pasta you want without gaining an ounce: antipasta! (Yes, I know it ends with an "o".) |
![]() | Follow your dreams, except the one where you forgot a class, you can't find the room and it's test day. |
![]() | God helps those who help themselves. It's pretty easy. (He doesn't have to do anything.) |
![]() | If you want the job done right, do it yourself. Then have it redone. |
![]() | When a submarine captain goes down with his ship, nobody is impressed. |
![]() | The money's always greener in the neighbor's pocket. |
![]() | Being ahead in the polls: good. Being a head on a pole: bad. |
![]() | The end is near; run for the other end! |
![]() | He who is lost, hesitates. |
![]() | Speak softly and carry a big megaphone. |
![]() | Life is like a box of chocolates. First, it makes you fat. Then it kills you. |
![]() | Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it, unless they squeak by with a C-. (One "repeats" history class if one gets a failing grade.) |
![]() | Grab the brass ring only when appropriate. Carousel: yes. Bullfight: no. |
![]() | A Rolling Stone gathers no moss but a rolling Beetle gathers dung. |
![]() | Youth is wasted on the young; expensive sports cars are wasted on the old. |
![]() | Variety is the spice of life but Lawry's is also good. |
![]() | The shortest path to a man's heart is through his stomach - just ask any pork rind. |
![]() | Honesty is the best policy. But go for term, not whole life. |
![]() | Money can't buy happiness; it's more of a rental arrangement. |
![]() | There's never time to do it right but always time to get someone else to do it over. |
![]() | A woman's work is never done. Lazy, I suppose. |
![]() | Nature abhors a vacuum. Me too. Vacuum sucks. |
![]() | Never elect a politician. |
![]() | When those around you are losing their heads, don't be a chicken. |
![]() | An exception proves the rule, except when it disproves the rule. |
![]() | A watched clock never boils. |
![]() | Be careful where your prepositions are at. |
![]() | If anything can go wrong, it w<CHR$73><CHR$76><CHR$76><CHR$33> |
![]() | He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, as does his enemy. |
![]() | The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time, except weekends. |
![]() | Laughter is the best medicine but penicillin is good, too. |
![]() | Fat Texans "remember the ala Mode". |
![]() | Power corrupts, or corrodes, in the case of electricity. |
![]() | If something seems too good to be true, mess it up a little. |
![]() | The "greenhouse effect" is harmless without the "greensenate effect". |
![]() | You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today; evade it tomorrow. |
![]() | As Sagan said, "We are star-stuff". I'm mostly Tom Cruise. (I've gotta pick a better star.) |
![]() | Don't swim against the tide. Exercise bikes have a similar problem. (You don't get anywhere.) |
![]() | He who laughs last needs coffee. |
![]() | The early bird only gets the early worm. |
![]() | It is an evil wind that bloweth no man good. Well, duh! |
![]() | If you can't beat 'em, enjoin 'em. |
![]() | A picture is worth a thousand words but it takes more memory space. |
![]() | When in Rome, rise and fall. (You know, The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire and "...do as the Romans do". It isn't dirty.) |
![]() | Hey Hamlet, 2B or 2B is 1. |
![]() | Great Ideas From the Past: The Pet Rock - you can't beat that with a stick! |
![]() | Here in Texas its not the heat...Yes it is. |
![]() | A liar weaves a tangled web. So does a drunk spider. |
![]() | Youth is wasted on the young and wisdom is wasted on the old. |
![]() | If you are a worm, sleep in. |
![]() | When seeking a job as a boxer, try to make a good fist impression. |
![]() | The early bird is still eating worms. |
![]() | Never put off... (to be continued) |
![]() | The meek shall inherit the Earth. We are all headed to Zircon. |
![]() | The meek shall inherit the Earth. Darn liberal probate judges! |
![]() | The natural order of things is disorder. |
![]() | If you can't stand the heat, get out of the frying pan. |
![]() | It's not who you know that counts; it's who knows you, stranger. |
![]() | Don't count your chickens before they're hatched; just count the eggs. |
![]() | All is fair in love and war, and there are other similarities, too. |
![]() | It is better to give than to receive, unless chocolate is involved. |
![]() | Avoid over-simplication |
![]() | Don't ovr. abbr. |
![]() | Never call someone "unliterate". |
![]() | The meek shall inherit the Earth, or what's left of it, anyway. |
![]() | You can beat a dead horse to water. |
![]() | When a battery is dying, it sees a dim, yellow light. |
![]() | If it is broke, fix it. |
![]() | It's also always darkest before total blackness. |
![]() | Good things come to he who pays. |
![]() | Women are from Venus; men are from Earth. |
![]() | The best defense is a strong offensive odor. |
![]() | We stand on the shoulders of all those who came before us, really just skeletons at this point. |
![]() | A car is stolen every 20 minutes. It's a really nice car. |
![]() | It takes money to make money. Actually, you are pretty much done at that point. |
![]() | Leaders are made, not born, except born leaders. |
![]() | When you reach the bottom, the only way to go is up. Too bad all your bones are broken. |
![]() | I'm a poet and didn't know I was. |
![]() | All humans are born free. And that's about the right price for most of them. (Supposed to be funny because of the abrupt attitude shift.) |
![]() | The buck slows down slightly here. |
![]() |
In school I started an experimental fraternity, Beta Beta Beta. |
![]() |
Behind every great man is a good woman; behind every great woman is a good behind. |
![]() |
There are no stupid questions just stupid sayings. |
![]() |
Poker: Bluff - a sheep in wolf's clothing. Smooth Call - a wolf in sheep's clothing. Limp - a sheep in sheep's clothing. All-in - a wolf in wolf's clothing. |
![]() |
When someone is fishing you usually can't see their bait. |
![]() |
If at second you don't succeed you're starting to look stupid. |
![]() |
Diets are like a unicycle, easy to start but hard to stay on. |
![]() |
The pen is mightier than the sword but go with the handgun. |
![]() |
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, make me really love you. |
![]() |
Don't say "with au jus sauce" or "frozen tundra". |
![]() |
"Original intent" - what other kind is there? |
![]() |
A penny saved is a waste of time. |
![]() |
The great thing about being poor: you can take it with you. |
![]() |
A dog is man's best friend and sometimes his wife. |
![]() |
Dyslexic Beatnik Financial Adviser: "It takes bread to make dough." |
![]() |
Middle East Policy: trust, but vitrify. |
![]() |
Analogies are like this. |
![]() |
Failed Products and Questionable Slogans: L&Ls "melt in your hand, not in your
mouth." Take the Happiness Test! "Daddy, why do people give beggars money?" "Well, son; if they didn't, the beggars wouldn't be there and you wouldn't be asking the question. It's called the 'Philanthropic Principle'." (Read about the "anthropic principle".) Tried to measure the biorithms of a tree but the meter kept 'pegging.' Turns out I needed a log scale. Or, trees don't have biorithms; they have logarithms. Hitchhiker wanders into a plastic surgeon's office. "Hey doc., can you give me a lift?" |
Doctor and nurse in the janitor's closet. Nurse says, " Doctor, oh my!" Doctor says, "Okay, now cough."