Weekly Thoughts Archive

plus a few new ones that occur to me.

There was a time when I attempted to come up with humorous weekly sayings. Boy, weeks went by fast. Explanations have been added in blue when someone has said, "I don't get it".

bulletIf you can do it, it IS bragging. If you can't do it, it's lying.  (correction of, "hey, if you can do it, it's not bragging.")
bulletThe earlier bird gets the Tequila.
bulletI'm against gay marriage...the other day I called my wife and a man answered.
bulletThou shalt not worship false particles. (the "God particle")
bulletColorado wildfires flush out Bigfoot, leaves big carbon footprint.
bulletA fool and his pyrite are soon parted.
bulletIf you invent a better sidewalk, they won't beat a path to your door.
bullet...but that goes without saying.
bulletA watched pot never boils. The water does, however.
bullet"We can paint yer interior for $2500 but the exterior is another matter."  Torricelli's painting contractor. (Its a Calculus thing.)
bulletPlagiarism is the insincerest form of flattery.
bulletDon't learn from your mistakes; learn from your successes. The mistakes were wrong.
bulletThose who are willing sacrifice safety to secure liberty usually don't have to.
bulletBlood is thicker than water. Paint thinner helps.
bulletIf God wanted Man to fly, He really goofed up.
bulletTo catch a glance, cast a doubt. (It's a fishing thing.)
bulletTwo wrongs make little baby wrongs.
bulletTruth is stranger than fiction. Really boring fiction.
bulletWinning isn't everything. There is Pluto, for example. (Ha! Not any more!) Pluto was a randomly picked "thing" which wasn't "winning". Oh, never mind.
bullet'Tis better to have loved and won.
bulletThere is more to life than money. Fortunately, most of it is for sale.
bulletThere is nothing to fear but fear itself, which scares me.
bulletA bookmobile is poetry in motion.
bulletReach for the stars. Use tongs. (They're hot. Good grief.)
bulletActually, fast and steady wins most races.
bulletThe grass stains are always greener in the neighbor's laundry.
bulletA penny saved is, well, pathetic.
bulletYou body is a temple...big as a barn and pointy on top.
bulletThere is nothing to fear but fear itself. And polar bears. Fear and polar bears. And asteroids. Fear, polar bears, and asteroids. And little blue hats. Maybe not so much.
bulletRich people have an afterlife by sheer strength of will.
bulletTwo wrongs don't make a right but two rights make a 180.
bulletYou are what you eat. I'm a cow. Moo.
bulletBehind every great man is a good woman. The bad ones are ahead.
bulletBehind every great man is a good scandal.
bulletNever mind horses, never look a gift-camel in the mouth! 
bulletI've discovered how to eat all the pasta you want without gaining an ounce: antipasta! (Yes, I know it ends with an "o".)
bulletFollow your dreams, except the one where you forgot a class, you can't find the room and it's test day.
bulletGod helps those who help themselves. It's pretty easy. (He doesn't have to do anything.)
bulletIf you want the job done right, do it yourself. Then have it redone.
bulletWhen a submarine captain goes down with his ship, nobody is impressed.
bulletThe money's always greener in the neighbor's pocket.
bulletBeing ahead in the polls: good. Being a head on a pole: bad.
bulletThe end is near; run for the other end!
bulletHe who is lost, hesitates.
bulletSpeak softly and carry a big megaphone.
bulletLife is like a box of chocolates. First, it makes you fat. Then it kills you.
bulletThose who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it, unless they squeak by with a C-. (One "repeats" history class if one gets a failing grade.)
bulletGrab the brass ring only when appropriate. Carousel: yes. Bullfight: no.
bulletA Rolling Stone gathers no moss but a rolling Beetle gathers dung.
bulletYouth is wasted on the young;  expensive sports cars are wasted on the old.
bulletVariety is the spice of life but Lawry's is also good.
bulletThe shortest path to a man's heart is through his stomach - just ask any pork rind.
bulletHonesty is the best policy. But go for term, not whole life.
bulletMoney can't buy happiness; it's more of a rental arrangement.
bulletThere's never time to do it right but always time to get someone else to do it over.
bulletA woman's work is never done. Lazy, I suppose.
bulletNature abhors a vacuum. Me too. Vacuum sucks.
bulletNever elect a politician.
bulletWhen those around you are losing their heads, don't be a chicken.
bulletAn exception proves the rule, except when it disproves the rule.
bulletA watched clock never boils.
bulletBe careful where your prepositions are at.
bulletIf anything can go wrong, it w<CHR$73><CHR$76><CHR$76><CHR$33>
bulletHe who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, as does his enemy.
bulletThe best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time, except weekends.
bulletLaughter is the best medicine but penicillin is good, too.
bulletFat Texans "remember the ala Mode".
bulletPower corrupts, or corrodes, in the case of electricity.
bulletIf something seems too good to be true, mess it up a little.
bulletThe "greenhouse effect" is harmless without the "greensenate effect".
bulletYou cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today; evade it tomorrow.
bulletAs Sagan said, "We are star-stuff". I'm mostly Tom Cruise. (I've gotta pick a better star.)
bulletDon't swim against the tide. Exercise bikes have a similar problem. (You don't get anywhere.)
bulletHe who laughs last needs coffee.
bulletThe early bird only gets the early worm.
bulletIt is an evil wind that bloweth no man good.  Well, duh!
bulletIf you can't beat 'em, enjoin 'em.
bulletA picture is worth a thousand words but it takes more memory space.
bulletWhen in Rome, rise and fall. (You know, The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire and "...do as the Romans do". It isn't dirty.)
bulletHey Hamlet, 2B or 2B is 1. 
bulletGreat Ideas From the Past: The Pet Rock - you can't beat that with a stick!
bulletHere in Texas its not the heat...Yes it is.
bulletA liar weaves a tangled web. So does a drunk spider.
bulletYouth is wasted on the young and wisdom is wasted on the old.
bulletIf you are a worm, sleep in.
bulletWhen seeking a job as a boxer, try to make a good fist impression.
bulletThe early bird is still eating worms.
bulletNever put off... (to be continued)
bulletThe meek shall inherit the Earth. We are all headed to Zircon.
bulletThe meek shall inherit the Earth. Darn liberal probate judges!
bulletThe natural order of things is disorder.
bulletIf you can't stand the heat, get out of the frying pan.
bulletIt's not who you know that counts; it's who knows you, stranger.
bulletDon't count your chickens before they're hatched; just count the eggs.
bulletAll is fair in love and war, and there are other similarities, too.
bulletIt is better to give than to receive, unless chocolate is involved.
bulletAvoid over-simplication
bulletDon't ovr. abbr.
bulletNever call someone "unliterate".
bulletThe meek shall inherit the Earth, or what's left of it, anyway.
bulletYou can beat a dead horse to water.
bulletWhen a battery is dying, it sees a dim, yellow light.
bulletIf it is broke, fix it.
bulletIt's also always darkest before total blackness.
bulletGood things come to he who pays.
bulletWomen are from Venus; men are from Earth.
bulletThe best defense is a strong offensive odor.
bulletWe stand on the shoulders of all those who came before us, really just skeletons at this point.
bulletA car is stolen every 20 minutes. It's a really nice car.
bulletIt takes money to make money. Actually, you are pretty much done at that point.
bulletLeaders are made, not born, except born leaders.
bulletWhen you reach the bottom, the only way to go is up. Too bad all your bones are broken.
bulletI'm a poet and didn't know I was. 
bulletAll humans are born free. And that's about the right price for most of them. (Supposed to be funny because of the abrupt attitude shift.)
bulletThe buck slows down slightly here.

Not Ready For Prime Time Sayings (that didn't make the cut; some for obvious reasons!)

bullet

In school I started an experimental fraternity, Beta Beta Beta.

bullet

Behind every great man is a good woman; behind every great woman is a good behind.

bullet

There are no stupid questions just stupid sayings.

bullet

Poker: Bluff - a sheep in wolf's clothing. Smooth Call - a wolf in sheep's clothing. Limp - a sheep in sheep's clothing. All-in -  a wolf in wolf's clothing.

bullet

When someone is fishing you usually can't see their bait.

bullet

If at second you don't succeed you're starting to look stupid.

bullet

Diets are like a unicycle, easy to start but hard to stay on.

bullet

The pen is mightier than the sword but go with the handgun.

bullet

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, make me really love you.

bullet

Don't say "with au jus sauce" or "frozen tundra".

bullet

"Original intent" - what other kind is there?

bullet

A penny saved is a waste of time.

bullet

The great thing about being poor: you can take it with you.

bullet

A dog is man's best friend and sometimes his wife.

bullet

Dyslexic Beatnik Financial Adviser: "It takes bread to make dough."

bullet

Middle East Policy: trust, but vitrify.

bullet

Analogies are like this.

bullet

Failed Products and Questionable Slogans:

L&Ls  "melt in your hand, not in your mouth."
"Double double toil and trouble; fire burn; chew Double Bubble."

Take the Happiness Test!

"Daddy, why do people give beggars money?" "Well, son; if they didn't, the beggars wouldn't be there and you wouldn't be asking the question. It's called the 'Philanthropic Principle'."      (Read about the "anthropic principle".)

Tried to measure the biorithms of a tree but the meter kept 'pegging.' Turns out I needed a log scale. Or, trees don't have biorithms; they have logarithms.

Hitchhiker wanders into a plastic surgeon's office. "Hey doc., can you give me a lift?"

       Doctor and nurse in the janitor's closet. Nurse says, " Doctor, oh my!" Doctor says, "Okay, now cough."